Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A Bright Spot in the Gloom

Yesterday I was feeling really down and that maybe my husband had never loved or that I was a terrible person. My father even suggested today that he did nothing but use me for 12 years. I yelled at him and offered the following as proof that that statement was untrue, though my father ignored the idea of seeing the evidence. I think it was very bad form to say that when he was suppose to be trying to cheer me up, how will that help me feel better? How will that build my self-esteem?

Inside my mind lives a great malignant God.
His voice is a thunderous scream
And his fists pound against the insides of my thoughts
He screams.
He screams for VENGEANCE.
He screams for BLOOD.
He screams for RAGE.
He screams for HATE.
He pounds his fists and stomps his feet
and he calls for my sanity and my life.
He is loud.
He is frightening.
and he is STRONG.


Inside my mind lives a glowing benevolent Goddess.
Her voice is a beautiful rolling tympani
And her influence washes through my thoughts like the smell of Jasmine and
She sings for my HAPPINESS.
She sings for my HEART
She sings for my TRANQUILITY
She sings for my LOVE
She sings her song and weeps for my pain
and she calls for my sanity and my life.
She is quiet.
She is steadfast.
And she is STRONGER.

He has no name
but she does.

Can you guess it?

Rough Night

It is after midnight and I am still up. I tried going to bed, but all I did was cry. I decided watching tv and playing around on the net were a better way to stay up all night than crying my eyes out.

While I was busy today I was fine, but just as I was going to bed I started feeling down. I feel like a complete failure tonight. I felt the weight of the fact that I have failed at the thing that was most important to me for many years, making my husband happy. Right or wrong, all I've wanted since we got together was to make him happy. I wonder if I can get emotionally healthy if I couldn't achieve the goal of making him happy. If my motivation to make him happy wasn't enough, how will I find the will to fix myself?

Yes I wanted to help him fix his emotional issues. I've always believed in the power of love to make everything ok, even when I was at my most negative. I believed in love, that if you loved someone enough everything would turn out well. That idea has now been shattered. What else do I have left? Even though I gave him my mind, body, heart and soul I couldn't succeed in making him happy. How much of my idea that love fixed everything allowed me to relax and become complacent in the relationship? I thought our love was forever, that nothing could change it.

I wanted to help him be the writer and artist that he had always dreamed of becoming, but he hasn't written or drawn anything in years. Not until he was planning on leaving, even if it was subconsciously. How did I zap his muse, his inspiration? I wanted to get him into college, so he could teach as he has said he'd like to do for the last few years. He would make a great teacher. Finances have always been tight for us, I should have found the extra $100 for his books. He would also be a great counselor or psychologist. He acts all tough, but he really is a compassionate person for the most part. (A slight intolerance of stupid people.) He is very intelligent, could achieve anything that he set his mind too. He's not ambitious or materialistic, which has made some people think he's worthless and shiftless. He should have been a beatnik poet. He was born several years after he should have been.

Right now it seems the only thing I did right was give him the child he always wanted. He got so unhappy being with me, he had to leave her behind. It feels like I don't have a family anymore. My house is empty, a void. I love my daughter, but so much of what I consider home is not here anymore. Much of his stuff is still here because he simply didn't have room for it. I need to send the rest of it to him, if for no other reason than to get rid of the reminders of him. But then our daughter is a reminder, she is so much like him, even her smile and the set of her eyes. How can I move on with all this stuff here? With feeling his presence everyday? With hearing his voice?
But at the same time I feel compelled to call or text message him. There is a giant hole in my life where he should be. For him there is no hole where I should be, only a hole where Aislinn should be. It is hard to know how insignificant you are after 12 years, how seemingly meaningless your love has been.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

My Celebrity Look Alikes


The title says it all, the last few weeks, but especially this week have been topsy-turvy. Exactly three weeks ago today I found out my husband was leaving me, as of tomorrow he will have been living somewhere else for a month. He went away to think because he was unhappy and a week later I found it was over, not only over but that it had really been over for about six months without me having a clue.

The first three days after I found out I stayed home in shock and pain, then I went to work and was mostly okay. The second day I stayed home I went to a counselor and psychiarist, got some medicine, which didn't really help even after it was supposed to have kicked it. The sedatives helped keep me mellow and sleep. The next Monday I was so weak I couldn't stand up and ended up in the hospital, dehydrated. I couldn't eat, apparently wasn't drinking enough either. I had been losing a little weight before this, was excited to be getting back down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but now I have lost too much. I had to get new pants yesterday, because all mine are starting to fall off. I am 5'7" and I'm down to 100.5, I'd like to get back to 105 and stay there. Though my soon to be ex would like me to gain a little more than that, he's worried about me wasting away.

This week has been the most difficult in some ways. On Monday, I wrote an email explaining my feelings and an epiphany I had. Part of me was hoping it would change things, though he had already made it clear that it was completely over for him and that he would not change his mind. The email gave me hope, his response took it away and made me realize how much responsibility I had in the end of my marriage. In some ways it is easier to "be the victim". We never fought much, have been best friends for years. He has been my closest, and for the most part, only friend for twelve years. So in this I am losing a husband and a best friend. I still love him very much.

Then the next day was Valentine's Day, though we've never celebrated it, being that it's crass and commercial. I no longer had a lover to share it with. It was such a bad day that my students were constantly asking me what was wrong. If you have teenagers, you know how bad off I must have been for them to notice. It made me feel good to know that they cared. He also informed me on Wednesday that he would be leaving to come get his stuff on Thursday.

I woke up Thursday in a great mood, so great my mother was worried about me. I told her not to question it and enjoy it while it was there. I think the mood resulted from the end of the limbo of when he would be arriving to leave forever. I was in a good mood on Friday as well. Don, the husband, arrived in Alvin at 9 am on Friday. I came home to get some stuff for school, helped him pack up a few things. Then he informs me that they maybe leaving Saturday, possibly morning. I finally get mad, he needs to spend time with A., our daughter. I return to school and ask my assistant principal to get coverage for my afternoon classes so A. can spend time with her dad before he leaves. Luckily they could find coverage. I get her early and let her see her dad and grandpa.

A. spends sometime with her Papa and we do some talking. He came partially to give me closure, only a certain amount of closure can be achieved over the phone. I think one of the things that makes this so hard is that we still get along for the most part and that he still cares about me, at least a little. He never wanted to hurt me, and tried really hard to avoid it getting to this point. I still know all his stories and his habits. I can still finish his sentences, he can still finish mine.

Yesterday was hard. I knew the final goodbye was coming. He knew the longer he stayed the worst I would get. A. had a field trip to go on and said she wanted to go, Daddy would leave before she got back. He told her he would be gone and said his goodbyes. I had my dad take her, because I knew that I'd break down and didn't want her to see it. I needed to have that final catharsis of emotion. I needed the chance to yell and cry.

Today I woke up ok, writing about it brings all the feelings of sadness and pain back and it will for a while. Sometimes I look forward to the opportunity to explore who I am and trying new things, other times the idea scares the hell out of me. I really wish that I had had the courage to to it before, because then maybe things would have turned out differently.

People keep telling me I should get angry and hate him, but why? How will that help the situation? How will that help us raise our daughter? How will it help me move on? It won't fix the relationship. Once I am past the pain and have separated myself emotionally, I hope to be friends again. I have to move past the feeling of needing him and relying on him. I have to start cooking for myself, learning how fix things on the computer, take care of our daughter by myself, clean the house. I've never been alone before, I'm afraid that Aislinn won't like my cooking. That I'll always come second to Daddy in things, but that is one of my issues, having confidence in myself.

I have arranged to go to a meetup in my area with people of similar interests. I have been invited out for coffee by someone and I will probably go. I'm not ready to start a relationship, but I need to meet people.

I had made some resolutions about three weeks before all this started, something that I don't usually do. The most important ones were to be more positive, do Yoga everyday, laugh everyday, and write everyday. I still think I need to follow through on those, though I'll have to start now. I have to learn how to live for myself instead of him, though I may have to bridge that my learning to live for my daughter. I can't let her fall behind in my search for myself.