A Diary of a Burn

On December 21st, 2014, I had my first real burn injury. Not the little spatters that everyone gets while cooking, but a full-on freshly microwaved country gravy covering two of my fingers on my left hand. Just in case you aren't familiar with country gravy, it is basically fried grease, flour, and milk. It is very think and clings very efficiently. I would qualify this as my first truly serious injury.

I've been very lucky overall in my life when it comes to injuries. I have come through my years relatively unscathed. First grade seems to have been the worst year for me when it comes to injuries: I got a concussion when running under a friend on the swing and getting kicked in the back of the head, I got stabbed in the ear by a friend, and flew over the head of my pony and landed on my left arm with another kid landing on my back. The fall destroyed on the cushion in my shoulder joint, though I wouldn't know that for about 20 years (pre-MRI). I have scars on my shins from learning to ride horses in junior high. I pulled a thigh muscle in track during high school and ran on it for 6 weeks. I suppose that the scars of childbirth could be counted as injuries as well. My most recent injury prior to this burn was right before Christmas 2013, when I slipped and hit my head on the floor causing my glasses to cut the corner of my eye. So that is two Christmases in a row that have have been hurt. If it happens again next year, it'll be the beginnings of a Christmas tradition. This is not a tradition I want to start.

I do not recommend burning yourself, especially with anything sticky and clinging. This makes the burn so much worse as the substance doesn't just pass over the skin briefly. I am not one to run to the doctor or emergency room easily, I'd rather just take care of it at home. If I had gone by the look of my skin immediately after the incident, I would not have gone to the ER. It took hours for the blisters to start to truly form. However, the pain was beyond anything I had ever felt in my life. I can say without exaggeration that I wanted to cut my hand off to end the pain for a good 30 minutes. I put my hand under cool water just as one should, until that too began to hurt terribly. So I put in under water on and off periodically. Do not put ice on a burn as they told us to do when we were kids. It can exacerbate any potential nerve damage. My daughter was very helpful and concerned during all of this, she witnessed the whole thing. She even fetched my husband when I realized that I'd need to go to hospital.

I am including pictures to show the progress of my injury. If you are squeamish, I suggest not looking any further.

These first two pictures were taken very shortly after the burn happened. You can't even see the redness in the photos.  The burn seems quite innocuous. However these pictures are deceiving, the pain was rampant. The pain ebbed and flowed, at times I considered not going to the ER, but I knew better as I had seen a burn on a hand before. I knew that despite the appearance, the fact that the gravy had clung meant that it was likely that it was a second degree burn. I am so glad that I knew enough to take off my wedding ring at the very beginning, it would have had to been cut off my finger if I had waited to remove it. Taking off the ring was something that required some teeth gritting. Despite the lack of redness and blisters in the pictures, the second one shows that my digits had already begun to swell a bit.

I am very glad that I decided to go to the ER and get treated, though I had to wait for several hours to be seen as there were much worse injuries and illnesses involving vomiting in the ER with me. I actually ended up carpooling to the ER with my father- and mother-in-law because she was in the beginning stages of a seizure. It was a very strange day. The real blisters didn't begin to show up until about an hour and a half after I got the burn. It was while I was waiting in the ER. The blister started out so tiny and ordinary. I was able to wait patiently, and even read for a little while, before the pain waves became more intense again. Then I had to pace in the waiting room to help cope with the pain. I even ran cool water over my hand periodically because the skin stung from what felt like an intense sunburn dryness.  I even had to get a nurse to help me go to the bathroom because I couldn't get my jeans button undone one handed.



My reward for my patience at the ER was some pain medication, some excellent burn cream, and some free gauze. Though I really needed about 10 boxes of gauze instead of the two they gave me. On the plus side, I got a wonderful lobster claw hand for the holidays.The fingers had to be individually wrapped within the larger bandage to prevent them from sticking together. If you've ever hurt your fingers, you'll be familiar with this practice. This detail became very important as my body tried to heal itself. It was pretty funny to watch me try to write at work the first couple of days. Luckily, much of what I do involves typing. Though I think, even that was a bit funny and awkward looking. It certainly was uncomfortable, and even painful, towards the end of the day.



Over the next couple of days, I was amazed and kind of grossed out over the blisters that developed. I think the best description of my feelings would be "fascinated horror". The one on my ring finger became particularly large, the size of a whole other finger. I continually marveled at what my body was doing to try to heal itself and terrified that the skin at the edges of the blister would simply rip apart from the amount of stretching that it was doing. It certainly felt like it was on the edge of tearing apart. I also worried about the skin over the blister spontaneously bursting because the skin couldn't stretch anymore. It took two days for the blisters to reach their largest size. I couldn't help but stare at them when changing my bandages.


 
At times, it was tempting to pop the blisters. This was something I knew I shouldn't do, as they are there to protect the new skin, so I was very protective of my blisters and tried to keep them intact as long as I could I was defeated by a need to consumer summer sausage. Cutting myself a few slices, the pressure of pushing on the knife caused the largest blister to pop. It was 6 days after the burn was received. In some ways this was much grosser than the blister itself. I left the skin so that it could continue to protect the new skin underneath. Plus, any manipulation of that skin caused a bit of pain. The blister on my middle finger had started to reduce on its own at this point, which was good, my fingers had been forcibly separated into a Vulcan greeting for a week (though no one could see it through the bandage) and the muscles were fatigued. It was a relief to not have to hold my fingers at such an awkward angle anymore and there were a surprising feeling of freedom, now that I could wrap my fingers individually and have a range of motion that more closely resembled normal.


I think the next stage of my recovery was my favorite. As the skin from the blisters dried out about 8 days after the original injury, my hand started to look like something out of a zombie movie. Though the hard, dry skin was a bit uncomfortable and would sometimes poke the tender new skin underneath it. I had to make sure I kept my fingers moving to help the new skin stay elastic. I wanted to use moisturizer on my dry skin but couldn't. So instead, I kept applying the burn cream like a good patient.





It was very difficult not to peel the skin off once the scabs started flaking off. It's like that compulsion to remove torn labels, almost irresistible. I admit that the angry redness and the tenderness of the newly exposed flesh was helpful in resisting this temptation, but only at first. Also, knowing that doing so would likely increase any scaring. I'm not overly vain, but I've always thought I had pretty good skin, and I didn't want to screw that up.



My slavish obedience to the doctor's directions and my resistance to the temptation to pop the blisters or peel the scabs prematurely has apparently paid off. The burn scar is barely noticeable on my skin. There is some tightness to the burn area and it seems to dry out more quickly than the skin around it. My ring finger seems slightly bigger than previously, but I was able to put my wedding ring back on. (Though it's uncomfortable to try to take it off.) The area is still slightly red and is occasionally tender to the touch. Extreme cold seems to bother it more than heat.

Getting such a burn is not an experience I want to repeat, but I think I healed up rather well. I hope that you never get such an injury, or any injury for that matter.

I hope you have a wonderful 2015!

Thoughts about Gender

I have been contemplating this post for several days. I can already see my husband's eyes rolling in his head as he reads it. I got into a conversation on Twitter a couple of weeks ago, something that I can't avoid doing from time to time despite the fact that Twitter is a terrible place for any real intellectual discourse. Who can be eloquent and clear in only 144 characters? Most of us seem to have trouble with that with much more space, or at least I do.

An issue related to the term "cisgender" came up, a term I'm not really fond of. It started me thinking about gender roles and concepts in general.

First, I want to clarify my use of terms. I'm sure you are already aware of this distinction, but I want to make sure there is no misunderstanding about what I write next. The words sex and gender are often used interchangeably, but they aren't actually the same thing. A person's sex is their biological male or femaleness, it only describes the reproductive organs and secondary sexual characteristics that they are born with and develop in puberty. Gender is the societal expectations for each sex. The roles, behaviors, personality traits, and attitudes expected from a person with male or female sexual organs. These concepts are largely stereotypical and puts everyone in nice safe boxes. I can't say the behavior of men and women is totally a concept of society because of the scientific evidence shows that there are physical differences in their brains, this is a product of many years of evolution and our roles eons ago. I don't believe however, that we need to let such things continue to define us in modern society.

I am rather an odd person in many ways, when I think of myself, the first thing that I think isn't that I'm a woman. I know that I am female, but for me it's not a defining aspect of myself as a person. I don't think of myself as a women first. It doesn't define my interests, views, personality, or opinions (most of them at any rate), so for me it is a secondary characteristic though it's one of the first thing other people notice. As an adult, I have frequently questioned my "girl card" points. I have given birth to a child (I look forward to the day that the men who wish to can experience this joy for themselves), so I'm definitely female, but I wonder how "girly" I am.

My "Girl" Points

• Went through the horse crazy stage as a kid
• Baking
• Cross-stitch
• Liked pink most of my life (not my favorite color now)
• Blubber like a baby at movies, tv shows, and books
• Like dancing

My "Not Girl" Points

• Don't care about shoes
• Don't like shopping
• Don't like jewelry
• Don't like chocolate (want it, maybe, once a year)
• Don't want flowers as a gift
• Don't like romance novels (though I had a phase as a teen)
• Love scifi/fantasy and horror
• Not overly sentimental
• Would rather do yard work than housework
• Don't like make-up (wear it for work so I don't look like a ghost)
• Was never boy crazy
• Never did the squeally, screechy girl thing
• Never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom
• Don't care about fashion 
• Bread winner
• Linear thinker
• Analytical/logical thinker

I realize a lot of the things listed above are based on stereotypes, that's all that our concepts of gender really are: a series of  societal expectations that have nothing to do with people as individuals. I think this is detrimental to individuals and society. My mother took a test in high school to see what she should do with her life, this was in the 60's, and they added a letter to her name which made it seem she was male. With the male name, she was told she should be a mechanic or engineer. Well, they sent the same test in with her real name and she was told she should be a teacher or nurse. Today, we call this sexist, and it is, but it has to do with these stereotypes society has about men and women. Some of them have eased up, some continue just as strongly.

Men are just as trapped by these stereotypes as women. My husband was a stay-at-home dad for 7 years. I got all kinds of disapproving looks and comments because I was the bread winner and things were tight for us. If he had been the one to work, and I had stayed at home, no one would have questioned it even if finances were tight. I pointed this out to someone once, their comments ceased. The concepts are so endemic that we don't even realize that we hold these views until it's pointed out. People also seem to think that the word sexist only applies to treatment of women. People are sexist against men, too. Men can be incredibly nurturing people and parents, though traditional gender roles express a different opinion. If a man wants to be a nurse, it's been assumed that he's feminine (therefore also gay) or not smart enough to be a doctor. Admittedly, this attitude has lessened in the last few years as more men enter the profession. Men that want to teach young children face this sexism as well, but it's not assumed that they are gay rather that they must be pedophiles.

I am saddened that some in forward thinking communities are still trapped by these concepts of gender roles. I know that some people don't understand why others aren't comfortable with the label "cisgender". I can't speak for all, but I can speak for myself. Just like many don't like the labels that have been applied to them because of the stereotypical concepts that come with that box, the same happens when labels are applies to others. Some have already attached stereotypes to anyone that is "cisgender". I don't believe in "default", I don't believe in "normal"; I just believe in people. Such labels only serve to separate and divide us, because the labels become more important than the fact that we are all human.

Getting a Pet and Puppy Mills

Our Jester dog

 I recently read Bones in Her Pocket by Kathy Reichs which addresses the horror of puppy mills. At the end of this novella, she included an exceptional letter about such mills. I am including her letter here, which I have already posted on my Facebook page, with her permission. Please read it and carefully consider where you get your next pet.

You Can Help Stop Puppy Mills

As a forensic anthropologist I’m daily faced with the malice humans cause one another.  As an owner of five rescue animals, I’m distressed by cruelty to all species.  Occasionally, these paths intersect.  Bones brought to my lab turn out to be a sackful of puppies, weighted down by a rock.  It’s hard for the heart to understand such brutality.  And nothing is more merciless than a puppy mill.

A puppy mill is defined as a ‘factory farm’ for dogs.  Some are legal and some are illegal.  Government regulation is lax, if it exists at all.  The ‘crops’ are raised in cages, often in the minimum legal space allowed.  Females are bred as frequently as possible, and discarded when no longer fertile.  It’s a life with no joy, no love, no hope.  The dogs are sick, starved, and sad.  They have never played on the grass.

Thousands buy dogs from puppy mills annually, most believing they are getting their pet from a responsible breeder.  Inhumane breeders owners seduce people into “puppy love,” either in pet stores or through online photos. The Humane Society estimates there are 10,000 puppy mills across the country.  Collectively, they sell 2 million to 4 million puppies nationwide each year from facilities where breeding dogs remain caged their entire lives, sustained solely to provide offspring sold for profit.  My home state of North Carolina is one of the worst offenders, with no state-required inspections and no laws governing breeders who sell to the buying public.

You can help prevent animal abuse.  Here are eight things you can do to stop the horror of puppy mills:

• Adopt your next pet.  The perfect pet is waiting for you at one of the thousands of shelters and rescue groups across the country. If you want a particular breed, you can locate one by contacting a breed-rescue organization.
• Don't buy a puppy online or from a pet store. If you buy a puppy, you’re most likely supporting the puppy mill industry.  If you must buy, please do your research to be sure your puppy isn’t from a mill.
• Take action against pet stores that sell puppy mill dogs.  Ask pet store owners to consider switching to a humane business model. If the store refuses to change, hold a peaceful rally or written campaign in protest.
• Advocate for stricter breeding laws. Write or call your city, county, state and federal officials and ask them to take these issues seriously. These communications influence legislators. To help change your city, county, and state laws, sign up to receive action alerts from Voices for No More Homeless Pets at yourvoice.bestfriends.org.
• Speak out in your community. Write to the editors of newspapers and local news about puppy mills that keep their animals in unacceptable conditions.
• Elect animal-friendly candidates. Ask candidates if they support regulating commercial breeders and what they would do about puppy mills.  Let them know you support stricter puppy mill regulations and you vote.
• Raise awareness and/or donations.  Organize a walk, conduct a bake sale or car wash, or set up a table at local events to raise awareness and funding for animal rescue and breeding regulation.
• Don't give up. The fight against puppy mills and inhumane breeders has been going on for decades.  Things won't change overnight, but we’ve seen progress. If you educate just one person about the horrors of puppy mills or convince just one person to adopt rather than buy a pet, you've made a difference.

 

Having a pet is a great thing! We love our cats and dogs. My family adopted our dog through a shelter to be an emotional support animal for my husband. We'd have taken his brother, too, if we could have afforded it or had the room. Our cat was adopted from a friend of a friend because her owner was moving out of the country and didn't have time or money to do the necessary paperwork to take her beloved animal with her.


As many of you may know, Jester was hit by a car about a year ago. Thanks again to all of you that helped with his emergency vet bills, you will never know how much it meant to us.

My husband and I have only ever bought one pet, that was our first cat. All of the rest of the animals that we have had, have been adopted. Most of these were through acquaintances that just wanted the animal to have a good home with loving people. When we had to leave a pet behind in a move, we've always made sure to find them a home rather than take them to a shelter (adult animals are too hard to adopt).


The point of all this is that when you are looking for a pet, you should adopt rather than buy. There are many animals in need of homes, if homes aren't found for them, they are put down. If you must buy PLEASE do in-depth research on who you are buying from. Most breeders are puppy mills, they are in it for the money, it's BIG business. I am adding my voice to Kathy Reichs, research, speak up, speak out, and adopt first!

Bucket List Item #19 - Accomplished!

Yesterday, I got to fulfill #19 on my bucket list. I met Kathy Reichs. (That number does not reflect any priority, just the random order of how things popped into my head as I made the list.) She and her son, Brendan, are doing a book tour for Exposure, their new YA novel from the "Virals" series. These books feature Tory Brennan, the niece of Temperance Brennan.

The location of the book talk/signing was a small, independent bookstore in Minneapolis called Wild Rumpus. Wild Rumpus is a magical and enchanting bookstore focused on young readers of all ages. They have a kid-sized door built into the adult door, a multitude of store pets including cats, chinchillas, and birds. I truly wish I didn't live an hour away from this place, I'd be there all the time. If you live in the area, please give them your patronage, if you live far away order from them online. (We need to support the independent bookstores.)

While we were waiting for the book talk to begin, the Girl got on to me for being to excited about meeting Kathy and acting too much like a giddy teenager. I told her it's allowed for me to get excited. I admit to gushy about meeting Kathy and the awesome bookstore, but there was no jumping up and down or squealing.

Kathy and Brendan were friendly, articulate, and even funny. It's obvious that they enjoy writing and working together, though it has its challenges. They encouraged questions about the Virals series, the Temperance series, and the Bones tv show. Kathy talked about not really wanting to do a cameo on the show, until she heard David Duchovny would be directing the episode. It's nice to see a famous person get just as starstruck and excited to meet someone as I am to meet them.

I got Bones are Forever signed, while the Girl got Exposure signed by them both. I wish I could have asked her more questions or been able to discuss science with her. Though I would have probably been too nervous to be a thoughtful conversation partner.

I did learn that "Bones" has been picked up for another season, the next Temperance Brennan novel will be out in September, and the next "Virals" novel will be about next year (probably April).

Many things are still hectic in my life, but I have completed one and a half of the things on my bucket list in less than a month. That isn't a bad start to a new year.

My New Bucket List

I did a bucket list last year as well, so I'm sure there is a lot of overlap here. I've thought about the things that I'd like to do before I die in the past, as most people have. I'm sure that my return to this concept has a lot to do with my grandmother's recent passing. Some of these thing I can word toward, others are thing that are only likely to occur due to chance, either way it's fun to dream.

It's been a rough year at our house, but I've managed to try a couple of new things. I've been selling unneeded items on Ebay and I tried a Blackberry cookie recipe. Thanks to a friend, I got to try Benihana's. It was delicious, I highly recommend going there for the food and the show.

These aren't listed in any particular order, just the order that they came into my head.

1. See the Grand Canyon - I've been to Palo Duro Canyon which is the second largest canyon in the US, so I might as well up the ante and see the biggest one.

2. Go to Yellowstone National Park - I know, I know, it's a super-volcano. It's a beautiful place and it might bring about the extinction of all life on earth. It would be so awesome to stand on top of our potential doom.

3. Visit Seattle, Washington - I hear it's a really mellow place with a great art and music community. Plus, I know somebody that lives there and I haven't seen him in years.

4. Go to Canada - It has beautiful lands, and my interest was further peaked by reading Kathy Reich's books about Temperance Brennan. Plus, it's the closest foreign land to me, I could finally go out of the US.

5. See Mount Rushmore - I mean, really! Who doesn't want to see giant Presidents' heads and take a picture pretending to pick their stone noses?

6. Meet Stephen King - I love books, this man was my introduction to horror novels. Plus, he's a generous and compassionate person.

7. Meet Joe Hill - Stephen King's son, though I think he's a better writer than his dad. He seems nice as well.

8. Win a fair competition for cross-stitch - First I have to figure out the entry rules and pick a piece.

9. Meet Cornelia Funke - She wrote the Inkheart series, please do not judge the books by the movie. The movie was a dim shadow of the books. The books speak of and exhibit the magic words have.

10. Meet Neil deGrasse Tyson - A proponent of curiosity and science education and fascination.

11. Meet Bill Nye - He's Bill Nye the Science Guy, that alone is enough. He's also an advocate for the importance of NASA's space program and space exploration.

12. Meet Eddie Izzard - I love his movie roles, got to see him in concert, and he's a humanitarian. He's hilarious, sexy, and intelligent. Not to mention that seductive British accent. This is one of my favorite comedic bits by him.

13. See Wicked the Musical - I loved the book. The songs I've heard from the show are great.

14. Go to ISTE conference. - ISTE is the International Society for Technology in Education. They have a yearly conference full of ideas, techniques, and new technologies.

15. Go to Diversicon - This is a scifi/fantasy literature convention in Minneapolis. They have guests and host book events all year round. Translation: book nerd paradise.

16. Learn Gaelic  - The language of my ancestors, that's enough reason for me.

17. Go on mob/ghost tours in Minneapolis - I don't believe in ghosts, but ghost tours seem like a fun and silly way to spend an evening. Mob tours are historical and fascinating.

18. Meet Patrick Stewart - He is an amazing actor and man. I couldn't find a website for him, just his fan club, so I linked his Twitter account. He supports gay rights and an active protector of abused women.

19. Meet Kathy Reichs - I really enjoyed the Temperance Brennan series as well as her YA series. I found the scientific pieces of her books very interesting and the field of forensic anthropology is fascinating.

20. Run a 10K - I've run a 5K, so next is a 10K. The trickiest part of this goal will be figuring out how to train year round without a gym membership.

21. Finish library degree for Minnesota - I need 7 classses to get my Library/Media Specialist license for MN, only 17 hours of coursework. This would allow me to be a school librarian or work in a technology integration position.

22. Get an English degree - My favorite subject that I've taught so far is English, getting a degree in English would allow me to teach middle school and high school English in Minnesota, allowing me more professional choices.

23. Get an Anthropology degree - This would just be interesting.

24. Do a biathlon -I'd consider doing a triathlon, but I'm a terrible swimmer. I can ride a bike without crashing, so I thought a biathlon would be a better choice.

25. Do a half marathon - After a 10K, there's a half marathon. I'd like to run one of these at least once. If I survive it, I'll consider doing a full marathon.
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26. Travel to the UK - I want to visit England, Scotland and Ireland. I some friends I met online that I'd like to meet in person. It's the home or a large number of my ancestors, and I'd be able to further my genealogy research. Plus there is Big Ben, the Tower of London, the White Cliffs of Dover, and the Highlands.

27. Go on a cruise - This is an interesting way to go on vacation in my mind. Someone else takes care of the transportation while you relax on the way to your destination or destinations. Then you get to do more fun stuff when you get there and relax all the way back home.

28. Attend Fantastic Fest - A genre film festival in Austin, TX. They focus on horror, scifi, and independent films. There are celebrity guests, huge parties, and discussion panels.

29. Go to Australia/New Zealand -There is a wildness connected with Australia and New Zealand in my mind. A purity of nature. I have a couple of friends there I'd like to meet in person. Plus, the Great Barrier Reef and the Snowy Mountains. Both countries have beautiful landscapes. I admit that I want to visit the locations where they filmed Lord of the Rings as well.

30. Own a house - I need a base of operations.

31. Own a brand new car - I just think it would be nice to have a vehicle that isn't second hand just once.

32. See Niagara Falls - Huge, giant waterfall. Enough said.

33. Read 2000+ books - I saw an article a while back that no one can read more than 2000 books in a life time, this seems erroneous to me, so I've made it my goal to beat that number. I've currently
read 1500 books, though I've probably read a few more than I forgot about.

34. See the Action Figure Museum - I have driven past this so many times on the road trip between Texas and Minnesota. This is one of the few reasons I can see for visiting Oklahoma. They also have a collection of cartoon art.

35. Go to a rock concert - I've never gotten to see a rock concert, and there are many people I'd like to see: Billy Joel, Billy Idol, Elton John, Bette Midler, Blues Traveler, etc.

36. Learn archery - There is a certain elegance in archery. Maybe I grew up on too much Robin Hood.

37. Learn piano - I really only want to learn one song, Fur Elise, but I think I'd have to learn at least some of the basics to play it well.

38. Finish my zombie novel - The main story is done, but it needs a lot of revising and editing. I'm not sure it will ever be published, but I want to feel satisfied with the "finished" product.

A Very Special Christmas Post

A week ago today, my family lost our Mama Bess, my grandmother and The Gurl's great-grandmother. She was one of the most important people in my life, she was the glue that held us all together. Most of my childhood memories revolve around her and the time at her house and in her backyard, especially Christmas memories. Christmas it's just not the same this year.

I wasn't able to speak at her funeral, because I get too blubbery when I'm upset and become incomprehensible. So I thought I would put my thoughts here.

My Mama Bess was one of the kindest, gentlest, and most generous people I have ever known. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone, even Richard Nixon. She constantly "adopted" grand-kids from among my sister and I's friends. Before I started typing, I had tons of things I wanted to say, now the idea of summing up her life seems a bit overwhelming (even just the parts I know).

To this day, I can picture the living room in my grandparent's house by simply closing my eyes. This was where we had every Christmas, where we celebrated birthdays, Easter, and graduations. My stocking and Easter basket always awaited me on the turquoise blue and green couch from the 70's. It really was terribly hideous, but I loved it.

My sister and I would decorate the Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving dinner. Then on Christmas Eve, we'd get to open one present each. It was always pajamas, always. In later years, Mama Bess would forget to label the Christmas Eve presents, and we'd have to wait for her to find the right boxes for us to open. It was quite fun watching her hunt for them under the tree. We'd then be tucked into bed, so Santa could come. Even at 16, I was the first one up, usually around 4 am. I'd wake my sister up, but we weren't allowed to get the parents up until 6 am. Once everyone was up, we'd took turns opening gifts. Opened presents would be piled on top of the glass table in front of the couch where my sister and I set up camp. She always insured that we had something under the tree from our grandfather, though she did most of the Christmas shopping. Then it was time for our Christmas dinner. Always turkey with stuffing, except for me. Mama Bess always made some hot dogs for me to eat when I was a kid because I didn't like turkey. She never pushed me to eat the turkey, just made sure I had enough to eat.

Mama Bess also taught me my first curse word while she drove me around in Houston traffic (I was about two). If you aren't familiar with Houston traffic, it would test the patient of the saints (higher rate of road rage than NYC). It was the horrendous curse of "Hell's Bells". I remember that her car always smelled of that new car plastic smell mixed with mint.

She always ensured we had clothes for school, especially shoes. She and my grandfather took my sister and I on many adventures to other states. They took us all over Texas to see antiques, historical sites, and fossils. One of the only pieces of jewelry I wear is an antique ring they got for me on one of these trips. They took us to Louisiana on a tour of plantation homes and the bayous. We got to see the stairwell they based the one in "Gone with the Wind" on.

We'd help in the their large garden outside, and then we'd snap the green beans that we helped pick. I was a terrible thief, I continually snacked on them as we worked.

She used to make my sister and I matching outfits for family pictures, she often did this by hand. She quilted blankets and crocheted baby blankets. Many of the quilts she made were originally her leisure suits from the 70s. She made my mom's prom dress, and I think she made my aunt's wedding dress. She made us clothes for our Barbies. She could make her own clothes patterns from newspaper pages without a guide.

Mama Bess and The Gurl

She ran the company they owned for many years and was a teacher of all grades in a one room school house in her youth. Despite these things, she always questioned her own intelligence and capabilities, this always made me a bit sad. She wanted to take care of others and help them, which she did very well, but often to her own determent.

When my sister and I were little, we always rolled the loose coins from our grandparents' room and change dish. We got to keep half of whatever we rolled. It was so fun and exciting to be earning money.

Mama Bess always gave me unconditional support and love. She supported me completely, never judging. She would offer advice if it was requested, but always unwavering support. She always told me she loved me, that I was smart, and that she was proud of me. One of the most impactful things she ever told me was that I am a strong woman. The first time she said that, it bowled me over and brought me to tears.

I am so glad that she got to see The Gurl reach high school. That Mama Bess got to know my daughter as a young lady, if not an adult. My daughter has been very lucky in her life to have known all of her great-grandparents on my side of the family and all of her grandparents on both sides. I just wish that we could have had Mama Bess around a little longer.

On the way from the service to the grave side Sunday, The Gurl told me that the thing she remembers most is Mama Bess always telling her, "I love you a bushel and a peck". I said that she always said that to my sister and I do. The Gurl promptly stated that this was Mama Bess' catchphrase. I really can't think of a better one for her.

I am glad that my Mama Bess isn't hurting anymore, but I also wish she was still here. I will always love her and miss her.

Surviving Life with the Chronically Depressed

I am writing this blog to discuss what it's like to live with someone that suffers from chronic depression and how to take care of yourself while doing so. This idea was spurned by reading part of The Stress Pandemic which neglected to distinguish between being depressed, clinical depression, and chronic depression when distributing advice about curing oneself. Another thing that inspired this article is that I'm participating in NamiWalks to help and in honor of those suffering from mental illness. Feel free to promote the fundraiser or donate using the link above.

I figure the best place to start is by explained what depression is, as many people have a misconception about what it actually entails.

Depression isn't simply being sad or unhappy or feeling blue, it's not laziness or an excuse. This is not to say that sadness can't become depression, it can. Depression is despair, it is the loss of all hope. It brings self-loathing and physical pain. Yes, I said physical pain. Severe depression doesn't just cause emotional pain but actual physical pain as well. And we aren't just talking migraine headaches, but pain everywhere. There are days when it hurts to simply get out of bed. You're tired and ache all over like you have the flu but you aren't infected with a virus. Though you may not be aware of it, there is a representation of the horror of depression in popular culture, the Dementors from Harry Potter. They are Rowling's anthropomorphic symbol of her depression over her mother's death. Depression affects many things adversely: memory, concentration, energy level, appetite, sex drive, immune system, etc.

When there is someone in a family that suffers from a chronic mental illness such as depression, bipolar, or post-traumatic stress disorder they aren't only ones that live with it. They person who is diagnosed with the disease definitely bears the brunt of the affliction, but its consequences and side effects are felt by the entire household. 

I am no expert, I haven't had any formal training, I can only speak from my own experiences living with a person suffering from mental illness. As the person without the illness, you are often the bread winner, organizer, housekeeper, and support system for the family. This isn't easy, it can be very stressful and tiring. There are times when it is very lonely. Yet those times when you see the person you fell in love with shine through are wonderful. These moments may come frequently or many months apart. When they are frequent, it's easy to forget there is anything wrong. You can lose track of the fact that your spouse, parent, or child has a dangerous disease. When those moments are months apart, you question why you stay, how you can keep going, and whether you'll ever be the one to be taken care of. 

Things I've Experienced and How I've Dealt with Them

One of the toughest things to deal with when living with a depressed person is their withdrawal into themselves. They don't reach out to show affection very often, you usually have to reach out to them. And sometimes when you do, they pull away or get aggravated. This can lead to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and unimportance. Even though your mind knows that it is a result of their disease and that they love you, it is sometimes hard to deal with emotionally. It is hard to express love for others when you are immersed in feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness.

There are many ways to deal with the emotional, and sometimes physical withdrawal. Often, you just have to keep reminding yourself that they love you, even if they can't express it. This isn't always effective, however. Talking about it can also help, because sometimes they aren't even aware they are doing it. For me this has always worked best, when talking about it later when I can be calm about it. The ill person needs to know how their actions are affecting others, but anger and hurt from their loved ones can cause guilt and more self-loathing which can precipitate a worsening of the depression. You need to assert yourself and express your feelings for your own health. Sometimes your partner will just not realize how long it's been since you have paid any attention to each other and simply asking them to have dinner with your or watch a favorite tv show together will do the trick.

Another challenge is bearing the majority of the household responsibilities, financial, physical, and emotional. Stress tends to aggravate depression and can set them into a downward spiral. This response has caused me to shield my spouse from as much stress related to money and my emotional state as possible, not only for his well-being but for mine as well. At the same time, shielding them from it can make them feel as if they are being treated like a child. Feelings of being useless often accompany depression as well, part of this is their mental state and part is a result of the exhaustion, pain, and lack of motivation making it hard for them to help clean, make meals, etc. The ill person often feels better if they can help out in some way though the challenge is often getting them to start on something. Small tasks that help out someone in the family and is part of something they are passionate about or that uses a skill that only they posses can help.

There will be days when the depressed person will say horrible things, talk of ending it, or how there just isn't enough happiness to make life worth living anymore. Usually the fact that they are being verbal means that they aren't actually in danger of committing suicide. Those who are serious about it usually pretend everything is fine and do it in secret. (There are stats somewhere that back me up on this but at the moment I'm too tired and lazy to look them up and provide you a link. You know how to Google as well as I do.) I always try to stay calm and remind my husband of the good things in life: me, the Kid, the dog, etc. Of course, a person in the midst of a depressive mood will blow all of this off as nothing. They still need to hear it, and does sink in even if they deny it. It can be hurtful to hear that the person you love doesn't feel that you are reason enough to live for, especially when they are saying other things that scare you. You have to do your best to stay calm and rational and to focus on the good. There will be times that you aren't successful at this. You will lose your temper. Panic and resort to guilt, etc. The key here is to forgive yourself. No one is perfect and you can't be in control 100% of the time.

Self-Care

When you are in a relationship with a sick person, the focus is usually on them and their needs. This is true whether the person is suffering a chronic physical or mental illness. Your needs will often be pushed to the back burner out of necessity or circumstance.You are frequently so worried about your loved one that you forget to worry about yourself. I've been guilty of this quite often. Making sure you care for your own emotional, mental, and physical needs will reduce your stress level and exhaustion.

1. Make sure you find time for yourself. - It doesn't matter if this is going for a run, hanging out with friends, or just getting out of the house for a couple of hours.

2. Make sure you are eating well. - We all know a balanced diet improves health and energy levels but everyone needs a gentle reminder once in a while. Make sure to treat yourself to a favorite meal or food.

3. Do things that make you happy. - I'm guilty of getting small things to make my husband and kid happy but forget to do it for myself. Make sure that you spoil yourself sometimes.

If you have any similar experiences and would like to share how you coped, please comment. Any tips for self-care would be welcomed as well.