The Day the World Shattered

Yesterday was a difficult day.

It was the day my husband and I told our daughter that we were splitting up and Daddy was moving away. To be honest, my husband told her since it is his choice. She tried everything to convince Daddy to stay, but as hard as it is for me and her, I know that in the long run it is for the best.

He implied that it was a mutual decision between us, it upset him that I didn't back him up on that, but I couldn't. I did tell her that I wanted Daddy to stay to but that Daddy needed to go to be "regular" Daddy again. I think much of my anxiety has been the double life I've been trying to lead, knowing that it is over but having to pretend it's not. Today I feel as if a great weight has been lifted and feel much calmer, not sure if it is because she now knows or if the medicine has finally started working.

The pain this is causing her is terrible and hurts me deeply. There is so much we can't explain to her because she can't possibly understand it at her age. After we got off the phone with Daddy I tried explaining why he had to leave. We had talked to her about how we, as a family, had gotten into bad habits and that we needed to change them to good habits so she wouldn't have bad habits as an adult. I told her that Mommy and Daddy wanted to change to become better people, but that we had gotten into habits with each other that made it hard or impossible for us to change in the ways we want. That for us both to become the people we wanted to be and be happy that we needed to be apart so we could develop those good habits. She said she still didn't understand, but I hope that it helped her in some way.

As for how she is, I'm not sure. We got home yesterday and she went about playing as she normally would. She seemed to have a good night sleep and is playing normally today. I don't know if she's in denial or what.

As for me, the whole time I was waiting to tell her I felt the need to be rid of my wedding ring. Now I'm not ready to take it off. My hand looks completely wrong without it, feels wrong too. I'm so confused, part of me wants to cling to my marriage, and part has accepted that it over and is ready to move on. I'm also terrified, I've never been on my own and don't really know who I am. Self discovery has always frightened me and now I have to do it. I have to start socializing. I have to get use to not having someone to say goodnight to or sleep next to.

Once Again into the Fray

I had a personal blog not that long ago. I didn't update it much and tended to do nothing but complain about politics and tell the occasional personal story. After receiving some rather shocking news, that my husband is leaving me, I deleted the whole blog in a fit of angst, anger, or a desire to shut myself off from the world (not sure really). I now regret this, I even killed my first attempt at poetry (other than the assigned stuff from school) in the process. The poem was probably a piece of crap, being a first attempt and all, but the feelings behind it were genuine and I am sad that I destroyed it and will never be able to recreate it.

This is me trying to start over in many ways. I have been told that I am a negative person, I have known it for years, but just recently have come to realize how negative I can be and how much it has affected my life. I have always considered myself a realist, I think of the worst first and feel prepared but hope for the best. However, somewhere along the way I've seemed to have forgotten how to get past the first negative. This is partly why my husband has decided to leave me. Now I'm not saying that this blog will never contain any bitching and moaning, but I'm hoping to find positive things to discuss too, or if I am ranting, to mention one positive thing from the day.

I am going through a lot right now and will probably use this as a place to deal with my issues and work through thoughts and feelings. A divorce I don't want, still having to tell our daughter that we aren't a "regular" family anymore, learning how to socialize and step out of my comfort zone, take risks, try new things, etc. Maybe some of you will want to read about my journey of self discovery, maybe you won't, it's still therapy for me.

I'm also hoping to use this as a place to brag on my daughter, talk about my favorite things, work on over coming my fear of writing.