Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Rough Night

It is after midnight and I am still up. I tried going to bed, but all I did was cry. I decided watching tv and playing around on the net were a better way to stay up all night than crying my eyes out.

While I was busy today I was fine, but just as I was going to bed I started feeling down. I feel like a complete failure tonight. I felt the weight of the fact that I have failed at the thing that was most important to me for many years, making my husband happy. Right or wrong, all I've wanted since we got together was to make him happy. I wonder if I can get emotionally healthy if I couldn't achieve the goal of making him happy. If my motivation to make him happy wasn't enough, how will I find the will to fix myself?

Yes I wanted to help him fix his emotional issues. I've always believed in the power of love to make everything ok, even when I was at my most negative. I believed in love, that if you loved someone enough everything would turn out well. That idea has now been shattered. What else do I have left? Even though I gave him my mind, body, heart and soul I couldn't succeed in making him happy. How much of my idea that love fixed everything allowed me to relax and become complacent in the relationship? I thought our love was forever, that nothing could change it.

I wanted to help him be the writer and artist that he had always dreamed of becoming, but he hasn't written or drawn anything in years. Not until he was planning on leaving, even if it was subconsciously. How did I zap his muse, his inspiration? I wanted to get him into college, so he could teach as he has said he'd like to do for the last few years. He would make a great teacher. Finances have always been tight for us, I should have found the extra $100 for his books. He would also be a great counselor or psychologist. He acts all tough, but he really is a compassionate person for the most part. (A slight intolerance of stupid people.) He is very intelligent, could achieve anything that he set his mind too. He's not ambitious or materialistic, which has made some people think he's worthless and shiftless. He should have been a beatnik poet. He was born several years after he should have been.

Right now it seems the only thing I did right was give him the child he always wanted. He got so unhappy being with me, he had to leave her behind. It feels like I don't have a family anymore. My house is empty, a void. I love my daughter, but so much of what I consider home is not here anymore. Much of his stuff is still here because he simply didn't have room for it. I need to send the rest of it to him, if for no other reason than to get rid of the reminders of him. But then our daughter is a reminder, she is so much like him, even her smile and the set of her eyes. How can I move on with all this stuff here? With feeling his presence everyday? With hearing his voice?
But at the same time I feel compelled to call or text message him. There is a giant hole in my life where he should be. For him there is no hole where I should be, only a hole where Aislinn should be. It is hard to know how insignificant you are after 12 years, how seemingly meaningless your love has been.

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