My New Bucket List

I did a bucket list last year as well, so I'm sure there is a lot of overlap here. I've thought about the things that I'd like to do before I die in the past, as most people have. I'm sure that my return to this concept has a lot to do with my grandmother's recent passing. Some of these thing I can word toward, others are thing that are only likely to occur due to chance, either way it's fun to dream.

It's been a rough year at our house, but I've managed to try a couple of new things. I've been selling unneeded items on Ebay and I tried a Blackberry cookie recipe. Thanks to a friend, I got to try Benihana's. It was delicious, I highly recommend going there for the food and the show.

These aren't listed in any particular order, just the order that they came into my head.

1. See the Grand Canyon - I've been to Palo Duro Canyon which is the second largest canyon in the US, so I might as well up the ante and see the biggest one.

2. Go to Yellowstone National Park - I know, I know, it's a super-volcano. It's a beautiful place and it might bring about the extinction of all life on earth. It would be so awesome to stand on top of our potential doom.

3. Visit Seattle, Washington - I hear it's a really mellow place with a great art and music community. Plus, I know somebody that lives there and I haven't seen him in years.

4. Go to Canada - It has beautiful lands, and my interest was further peaked by reading Kathy Reich's books about Temperance Brennan. Plus, it's the closest foreign land to me, I could finally go out of the US.

5. See Mount Rushmore - I mean, really! Who doesn't want to see giant Presidents' heads and take a picture pretending to pick their stone noses?

6. Meet Stephen King - I love books, this man was my introduction to horror novels. Plus, he's a generous and compassionate person.

7. Meet Joe Hill - Stephen King's son, though I think he's a better writer than his dad. He seems nice as well.

8. Win a fair competition for cross-stitch - First I have to figure out the entry rules and pick a piece.

9. Meet Cornelia Funke - She wrote the Inkheart series, please do not judge the books by the movie. The movie was a dim shadow of the books. The books speak of and exhibit the magic words have.

10. Meet Neil deGrasse Tyson - A proponent of curiosity and science education and fascination.

11. Meet Bill Nye - He's Bill Nye the Science Guy, that alone is enough. He's also an advocate for the importance of NASA's space program and space exploration.

12. Meet Eddie Izzard - I love his movie roles, got to see him in concert, and he's a humanitarian. He's hilarious, sexy, and intelligent. Not to mention that seductive British accent. This is one of my favorite comedic bits by him.

13. See Wicked the Musical - I loved the book. The songs I've heard from the show are great.

14. Go to ISTE conference. - ISTE is the International Society for Technology in Education. They have a yearly conference full of ideas, techniques, and new technologies.

15. Go to Diversicon - This is a scifi/fantasy literature convention in Minneapolis. They have guests and host book events all year round. Translation: book nerd paradise.

16. Learn Gaelic  - The language of my ancestors, that's enough reason for me.

17. Go on mob/ghost tours in Minneapolis - I don't believe in ghosts, but ghost tours seem like a fun and silly way to spend an evening. Mob tours are historical and fascinating.

18. Meet Patrick Stewart - He is an amazing actor and man. I couldn't find a website for him, just his fan club, so I linked his Twitter account. He supports gay rights and an active protector of abused women.

19. Meet Kathy Reichs - I really enjoyed the Temperance Brennan series as well as her YA series. I found the scientific pieces of her books very interesting and the field of forensic anthropology is fascinating.

20. Run a 10K - I've run a 5K, so next is a 10K. The trickiest part of this goal will be figuring out how to train year round without a gym membership.

21. Finish library degree for Minnesota - I need 7 classses to get my Library/Media Specialist license for MN, only 17 hours of coursework. This would allow me to be a school librarian or work in a technology integration position.

22. Get an English degree - My favorite subject that I've taught so far is English, getting a degree in English would allow me to teach middle school and high school English in Minnesota, allowing me more professional choices.

23. Get an Anthropology degree - This would just be interesting.

24. Do a biathlon -I'd consider doing a triathlon, but I'm a terrible swimmer. I can ride a bike without crashing, so I thought a biathlon would be a better choice.

25. Do a half marathon - After a 10K, there's a half marathon. I'd like to run one of these at least once. If I survive it, I'll consider doing a full marathon.
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26. Travel to the UK - I want to visit England, Scotland and Ireland. I some friends I met online that I'd like to meet in person. It's the home or a large number of my ancestors, and I'd be able to further my genealogy research. Plus there is Big Ben, the Tower of London, the White Cliffs of Dover, and the Highlands.

27. Go on a cruise - This is an interesting way to go on vacation in my mind. Someone else takes care of the transportation while you relax on the way to your destination or destinations. Then you get to do more fun stuff when you get there and relax all the way back home.

28. Attend Fantastic Fest - A genre film festival in Austin, TX. They focus on horror, scifi, and independent films. There are celebrity guests, huge parties, and discussion panels.

29. Go to Australia/New Zealand -There is a wildness connected with Australia and New Zealand in my mind. A purity of nature. I have a couple of friends there I'd like to meet in person. Plus, the Great Barrier Reef and the Snowy Mountains. Both countries have beautiful landscapes. I admit that I want to visit the locations where they filmed Lord of the Rings as well.

30. Own a house - I need a base of operations.

31. Own a brand new car - I just think it would be nice to have a vehicle that isn't second hand just once.

32. See Niagara Falls - Huge, giant waterfall. Enough said.

33. Read 2000+ books - I saw an article a while back that no one can read more than 2000 books in a life time, this seems erroneous to me, so I've made it my goal to beat that number. I've currently
read 1500 books, though I've probably read a few more than I forgot about.

34. See the Action Figure Museum - I have driven past this so many times on the road trip between Texas and Minnesota. This is one of the few reasons I can see for visiting Oklahoma. They also have a collection of cartoon art.

35. Go to a rock concert - I've never gotten to see a rock concert, and there are many people I'd like to see: Billy Joel, Billy Idol, Elton John, Bette Midler, Blues Traveler, etc.

36. Learn archery - There is a certain elegance in archery. Maybe I grew up on too much Robin Hood.

37. Learn piano - I really only want to learn one song, Fur Elise, but I think I'd have to learn at least some of the basics to play it well.

38. Finish my zombie novel - The main story is done, but it needs a lot of revising and editing. I'm not sure it will ever be published, but I want to feel satisfied with the "finished" product.

A Very Special Christmas Post

A week ago today, my family lost our Mama Bess, my grandmother and The Gurl's great-grandmother. She was one of the most important people in my life, she was the glue that held us all together. Most of my childhood memories revolve around her and the time at her house and in her backyard, especially Christmas memories. Christmas it's just not the same this year.

I wasn't able to speak at her funeral, because I get too blubbery when I'm upset and become incomprehensible. So I thought I would put my thoughts here.

My Mama Bess was one of the kindest, gentlest, and most generous people I have ever known. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone, even Richard Nixon. She constantly "adopted" grand-kids from among my sister and I's friends. Before I started typing, I had tons of things I wanted to say, now the idea of summing up her life seems a bit overwhelming (even just the parts I know).

To this day, I can picture the living room in my grandparent's house by simply closing my eyes. This was where we had every Christmas, where we celebrated birthdays, Easter, and graduations. My stocking and Easter basket always awaited me on the turquoise blue and green couch from the 70's. It really was terribly hideous, but I loved it.

My sister and I would decorate the Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving dinner. Then on Christmas Eve, we'd get to open one present each. It was always pajamas, always. In later years, Mama Bess would forget to label the Christmas Eve presents, and we'd have to wait for her to find the right boxes for us to open. It was quite fun watching her hunt for them under the tree. We'd then be tucked into bed, so Santa could come. Even at 16, I was the first one up, usually around 4 am. I'd wake my sister up, but we weren't allowed to get the parents up until 6 am. Once everyone was up, we'd took turns opening gifts. Opened presents would be piled on top of the glass table in front of the couch where my sister and I set up camp. She always insured that we had something under the tree from our grandfather, though she did most of the Christmas shopping. Then it was time for our Christmas dinner. Always turkey with stuffing, except for me. Mama Bess always made some hot dogs for me to eat when I was a kid because I didn't like turkey. She never pushed me to eat the turkey, just made sure I had enough to eat.

Mama Bess also taught me my first curse word while she drove me around in Houston traffic (I was about two). If you aren't familiar with Houston traffic, it would test the patient of the saints (higher rate of road rage than NYC). It was the horrendous curse of "Hell's Bells". I remember that her car always smelled of that new car plastic smell mixed with mint.

She always ensured we had clothes for school, especially shoes. She and my grandfather took my sister and I on many adventures to other states. They took us all over Texas to see antiques, historical sites, and fossils. One of the only pieces of jewelry I wear is an antique ring they got for me on one of these trips. They took us to Louisiana on a tour of plantation homes and the bayous. We got to see the stairwell they based the one in "Gone with the Wind" on.

We'd help in the their large garden outside, and then we'd snap the green beans that we helped pick. I was a terrible thief, I continually snacked on them as we worked.

She used to make my sister and I matching outfits for family pictures, she often did this by hand. She quilted blankets and crocheted baby blankets. Many of the quilts she made were originally her leisure suits from the 70s. She made my mom's prom dress, and I think she made my aunt's wedding dress. She made us clothes for our Barbies. She could make her own clothes patterns from newspaper pages without a guide.

Mama Bess and The Gurl

She ran the company they owned for many years and was a teacher of all grades in a one room school house in her youth. Despite these things, she always questioned her own intelligence and capabilities, this always made me a bit sad. She wanted to take care of others and help them, which she did very well, but often to her own determent.

When my sister and I were little, we always rolled the loose coins from our grandparents' room and change dish. We got to keep half of whatever we rolled. It was so fun and exciting to be earning money.

Mama Bess always gave me unconditional support and love. She supported me completely, never judging. She would offer advice if it was requested, but always unwavering support. She always told me she loved me, that I was smart, and that she was proud of me. One of the most impactful things she ever told me was that I am a strong woman. The first time she said that, it bowled me over and brought me to tears.

I am so glad that she got to see The Gurl reach high school. That Mama Bess got to know my daughter as a young lady, if not an adult. My daughter has been very lucky in her life to have known all of her great-grandparents on my side of the family and all of her grandparents on both sides. I just wish that we could have had Mama Bess around a little longer.

On the way from the service to the grave side Sunday, The Gurl told me that the thing she remembers most is Mama Bess always telling her, "I love you a bushel and a peck". I said that she always said that to my sister and I do. The Gurl promptly stated that this was Mama Bess' catchphrase. I really can't think of a better one for her.

I am glad that my Mama Bess isn't hurting anymore, but I also wish she was still here. I will always love her and miss her.

Chimera by David Wellington

I was so excited when I got the email notifying me that I had won this book from Goodreads. I was introduced to David Wellington through his zombie series, and moved onto his vampire and werewolf books as well. Each of these series had their own unique feel within their perspective sub-genres, and I enjoyed them a lot. Chimera departs from David's usual fare of supernatural horror and moves into science gone wrong and government conspiracy.

The book opens with prisoners escaping from a top secret military installation. There is no explanation, no exposition, just immediate and intense action. I was hooked right away. The pace doesn't slow down as the story continues. The sections of the book are marked with the time from the initial event: T+ 1:46, etc. Not being military, it took me a little bit to wrap my head around how to read this, I've only seen it used in countdowns before.

We are introduced to Jim Chapel while he's at work and struggling to concentrate on his paperwork. We quickly learn that Jim is a war veteran and has lost an arm, though he's not letting this slow him down. We went from duty in the field to working for Military Intelligence providing oversight for civilian government contractors. To break the tedium of his work and refocus his mind, he goes for a swim in the pool. In the midst of his swim, he notices that he is being watched and that the man is laughing. Chapel doesn't think anything of it at first, he is use to people finding the appearance of a one-armed man swimming amusing. But the man doesn't leave, Chapel is pulled from his swim for a secret mission, so secret that he can't even tell his current boss that he's leaving. The man will not tell him anything about what the mission is or where they are going, he just keeps laughing.

Chapel is escorted to Pentagon and taken deep into a former fallout shelter turned office where he meets Rupert Hollingshead (the man that requested him for the mission). Hes told that he must capture the escapees but little else, so little in fact that it increases the danger of the mission. From the title, some of you have likely figured out what kind of prisoners escaped the facility. He must deal with genetically modified humans without having any ideas about their capabilities.

Hollingshead, part of the DIA, is in a power play with Agent Banks, from the CIA, over who is in charge of the mission and how it should be handled. The laughing man is Banks' lap dog. They present Chapel with a kill list and tell him there are four men he needs to capture. With so little information, Chapel's task is almost guaranteed to fail.

I won't go any further into the story of the book, I know how evil spoilers are. If you are looking for an action packed read, then grab this book.

Behind the Burly Q by Leslie Zemeckis

My first exposure to Burlesque what the t.v. movie about Gypsy Rose Lee with Bette Midler playing her mother. I didn't have any particular interest in Burlesque at the time, I was just a huge fan of Bette and musicals. So I tuned in. After moving to Minnesota, I decided to expand my experiences and went to my first Burlesque show. It was great fun, astonishing, and surprisingly held in a bowling alley. I hope to go to another Burlesque show soon.The combination of these experiences (and a strange obsession with classy clothes of old) led me to be very excited when I saw Behind the Burly Q among the giveaways on Goodreads. I put my name into the drawing. I promptly forgot about entering with my busy schedule and suddenly I get this book in the mail. Now, the only thing better than a free book, is a surprise free book. It made my day. Unfortunately, I couldn't read it immediately but I didn't wait long.

After the initial excitement of "Eeekkk! Free book!", I began flipping through the pages. My excitement only increased as I saw names like Alan Alda, Frank Sinatra, Abbott and Costello, and Jack Ruby. I had no idea that Alan Alda practically grew up back stage. The book covers about 30 years of entertainment history and all its ups and downs. Leslie Zemeckis takes a look at different aspects of a life in Burlesque in each chapter. She explores the good and the bad of a career in the industry and being on the road. More importantly, she looks at the women and men that were a part of Burlesque. The only name I knew going into the book was Gypsy Rose Lee, though some of the names tickled the back of my mind. They are names heard in the background of film or briefly mentioned in entertainment news. This book was more than a dry history about Burlesque, it brought the men and women alive, their triumphs and their trials.

The women and men in Burlesque were incredibly strong and independent. They defied convention, not usually out of rebellion but out of necessity. They faced persecution (mostly the dancers), law suits, and were looked down upon. Several of their personal stories brought me to tears. Their profession was often considered the lowest form of entertainment and they were thought to be of no talent, yet many of the Burlesque comedians are now household names and the women often stripped into their 70's.

If you are interested in entertainment history, non-traditional professions, or just interesting people give this a read. It has ignited my curiosity to know more about the individual ladies and the art form of Burlesque.

Happy reading!

Surviving Life with the Chronically Depressed

I am writing this blog to discuss what it's like to live with someone that suffers from chronic depression and how to take care of yourself while doing so. This idea was spurned by reading part of The Stress Pandemic which neglected to distinguish between being depressed, clinical depression, and chronic depression when distributing advice about curing oneself. Another thing that inspired this article is that I'm participating in NamiWalks to help and in honor of those suffering from mental illness. Feel free to promote the fundraiser or donate using the link above.

I figure the best place to start is by explained what depression is, as many people have a misconception about what it actually entails.

Depression isn't simply being sad or unhappy or feeling blue, it's not laziness or an excuse. This is not to say that sadness can't become depression, it can. Depression is despair, it is the loss of all hope. It brings self-loathing and physical pain. Yes, I said physical pain. Severe depression doesn't just cause emotional pain but actual physical pain as well. And we aren't just talking migraine headaches, but pain everywhere. There are days when it hurts to simply get out of bed. You're tired and ache all over like you have the flu but you aren't infected with a virus. Though you may not be aware of it, there is a representation of the horror of depression in popular culture, the Dementors from Harry Potter. They are Rowling's anthropomorphic symbol of her depression over her mother's death. Depression affects many things adversely: memory, concentration, energy level, appetite, sex drive, immune system, etc.

When there is someone in a family that suffers from a chronic mental illness such as depression, bipolar, or post-traumatic stress disorder they aren't only ones that live with it. They person who is diagnosed with the disease definitely bears the brunt of the affliction, but its consequences and side effects are felt by the entire household. 

I am no expert, I haven't had any formal training, I can only speak from my own experiences living with a person suffering from mental illness. As the person without the illness, you are often the bread winner, organizer, housekeeper, and support system for the family. This isn't easy, it can be very stressful and tiring. There are times when it is very lonely. Yet those times when you see the person you fell in love with shine through are wonderful. These moments may come frequently or many months apart. When they are frequent, it's easy to forget there is anything wrong. You can lose track of the fact that your spouse, parent, or child has a dangerous disease. When those moments are months apart, you question why you stay, how you can keep going, and whether you'll ever be the one to be taken care of. 

Things I've Experienced and How I've Dealt with Them

One of the toughest things to deal with when living with a depressed person is their withdrawal into themselves. They don't reach out to show affection very often, you usually have to reach out to them. And sometimes when you do, they pull away or get aggravated. This can lead to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and unimportance. Even though your mind knows that it is a result of their disease and that they love you, it is sometimes hard to deal with emotionally. It is hard to express love for others when you are immersed in feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness.

There are many ways to deal with the emotional, and sometimes physical withdrawal. Often, you just have to keep reminding yourself that they love you, even if they can't express it. This isn't always effective, however. Talking about it can also help, because sometimes they aren't even aware they are doing it. For me this has always worked best, when talking about it later when I can be calm about it. The ill person needs to know how their actions are affecting others, but anger and hurt from their loved ones can cause guilt and more self-loathing which can precipitate a worsening of the depression. You need to assert yourself and express your feelings for your own health. Sometimes your partner will just not realize how long it's been since you have paid any attention to each other and simply asking them to have dinner with your or watch a favorite tv show together will do the trick.

Another challenge is bearing the majority of the household responsibilities, financial, physical, and emotional. Stress tends to aggravate depression and can set them into a downward spiral. This response has caused me to shield my spouse from as much stress related to money and my emotional state as possible, not only for his well-being but for mine as well. At the same time, shielding them from it can make them feel as if they are being treated like a child. Feelings of being useless often accompany depression as well, part of this is their mental state and part is a result of the exhaustion, pain, and lack of motivation making it hard for them to help clean, make meals, etc. The ill person often feels better if they can help out in some way though the challenge is often getting them to start on something. Small tasks that help out someone in the family and is part of something they are passionate about or that uses a skill that only they posses can help.

There will be days when the depressed person will say horrible things, talk of ending it, or how there just isn't enough happiness to make life worth living anymore. Usually the fact that they are being verbal means that they aren't actually in danger of committing suicide. Those who are serious about it usually pretend everything is fine and do it in secret. (There are stats somewhere that back me up on this but at the moment I'm too tired and lazy to look them up and provide you a link. You know how to Google as well as I do.) I always try to stay calm and remind my husband of the good things in life: me, the Kid, the dog, etc. Of course, a person in the midst of a depressive mood will blow all of this off as nothing. They still need to hear it, and does sink in even if they deny it. It can be hurtful to hear that the person you love doesn't feel that you are reason enough to live for, especially when they are saying other things that scare you. You have to do your best to stay calm and rational and to focus on the good. There will be times that you aren't successful at this. You will lose your temper. Panic and resort to guilt, etc. The key here is to forgive yourself. No one is perfect and you can't be in control 100% of the time.

Self-Care

When you are in a relationship with a sick person, the focus is usually on them and their needs. This is true whether the person is suffering a chronic physical or mental illness. Your needs will often be pushed to the back burner out of necessity or circumstance.You are frequently so worried about your loved one that you forget to worry about yourself. I've been guilty of this quite often. Making sure you care for your own emotional, mental, and physical needs will reduce your stress level and exhaustion.

1. Make sure you find time for yourself. - It doesn't matter if this is going for a run, hanging out with friends, or just getting out of the house for a couple of hours.

2. Make sure you are eating well. - We all know a balanced diet improves health and energy levels but everyone needs a gentle reminder once in a while. Make sure to treat yourself to a favorite meal or food.

3. Do things that make you happy. - I'm guilty of getting small things to make my husband and kid happy but forget to do it for myself. Make sure that you spoil yourself sometimes.

If you have any similar experiences and would like to share how you coped, please comment. Any tips for self-care would be welcomed as well.