Surviving Life with the Chronically Depressed

I am writing this blog to discuss what it's like to live with someone that suffers from chronic depression and how to take care of yourself while doing so. This idea was spurned by reading part of The Stress Pandemic which neglected to distinguish between being depressed, clinical depression, and chronic depression when distributing advice about curing oneself. Another thing that inspired this article is that I'm participating in NamiWalks to help and in honor of those suffering from mental illness. Feel free to promote the fundraiser or donate using the link above.

I figure the best place to start is by explained what depression is, as many people have a misconception about what it actually entails.

Depression isn't simply being sad or unhappy or feeling blue, it's not laziness or an excuse. This is not to say that sadness can't become depression, it can. Depression is despair, it is the loss of all hope. It brings self-loathing and physical pain. Yes, I said physical pain. Severe depression doesn't just cause emotional pain but actual physical pain as well. And we aren't just talking migraine headaches, but pain everywhere. There are days when it hurts to simply get out of bed. You're tired and ache all over like you have the flu but you aren't infected with a virus. Though you may not be aware of it, there is a representation of the horror of depression in popular culture, the Dementors from Harry Potter. They are Rowling's anthropomorphic symbol of her depression over her mother's death. Depression affects many things adversely: memory, concentration, energy level, appetite, sex drive, immune system, etc.

When there is someone in a family that suffers from a chronic mental illness such as depression, bipolar, or post-traumatic stress disorder they aren't only ones that live with it. They person who is diagnosed with the disease definitely bears the brunt of the affliction, but its consequences and side effects are felt by the entire household. 

I am no expert, I haven't had any formal training, I can only speak from my own experiences living with a person suffering from mental illness. As the person without the illness, you are often the bread winner, organizer, housekeeper, and support system for the family. This isn't easy, it can be very stressful and tiring. There are times when it is very lonely. Yet those times when you see the person you fell in love with shine through are wonderful. These moments may come frequently or many months apart. When they are frequent, it's easy to forget there is anything wrong. You can lose track of the fact that your spouse, parent, or child has a dangerous disease. When those moments are months apart, you question why you stay, how you can keep going, and whether you'll ever be the one to be taken care of. 

Things I've Experienced and How I've Dealt with Them

One of the toughest things to deal with when living with a depressed person is their withdrawal into themselves. They don't reach out to show affection very often, you usually have to reach out to them. And sometimes when you do, they pull away or get aggravated. This can lead to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and unimportance. Even though your mind knows that it is a result of their disease and that they love you, it is sometimes hard to deal with emotionally. It is hard to express love for others when you are immersed in feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness.

There are many ways to deal with the emotional, and sometimes physical withdrawal. Often, you just have to keep reminding yourself that they love you, even if they can't express it. This isn't always effective, however. Talking about it can also help, because sometimes they aren't even aware they are doing it. For me this has always worked best, when talking about it later when I can be calm about it. The ill person needs to know how their actions are affecting others, but anger and hurt from their loved ones can cause guilt and more self-loathing which can precipitate a worsening of the depression. You need to assert yourself and express your feelings for your own health. Sometimes your partner will just not realize how long it's been since you have paid any attention to each other and simply asking them to have dinner with your or watch a favorite tv show together will do the trick.

Another challenge is bearing the majority of the household responsibilities, financial, physical, and emotional. Stress tends to aggravate depression and can set them into a downward spiral. This response has caused me to shield my spouse from as much stress related to money and my emotional state as possible, not only for his well-being but for mine as well. At the same time, shielding them from it can make them feel as if they are being treated like a child. Feelings of being useless often accompany depression as well, part of this is their mental state and part is a result of the exhaustion, pain, and lack of motivation making it hard for them to help clean, make meals, etc. The ill person often feels better if they can help out in some way though the challenge is often getting them to start on something. Small tasks that help out someone in the family and is part of something they are passionate about or that uses a skill that only they posses can help.

There will be days when the depressed person will say horrible things, talk of ending it, or how there just isn't enough happiness to make life worth living anymore. Usually the fact that they are being verbal means that they aren't actually in danger of committing suicide. Those who are serious about it usually pretend everything is fine and do it in secret. (There are stats somewhere that back me up on this but at the moment I'm too tired and lazy to look them up and provide you a link. You know how to Google as well as I do.) I always try to stay calm and remind my husband of the good things in life: me, the Kid, the dog, etc. Of course, a person in the midst of a depressive mood will blow all of this off as nothing. They still need to hear it, and does sink in even if they deny it. It can be hurtful to hear that the person you love doesn't feel that you are reason enough to live for, especially when they are saying other things that scare you. You have to do your best to stay calm and rational and to focus on the good. There will be times that you aren't successful at this. You will lose your temper. Panic and resort to guilt, etc. The key here is to forgive yourself. No one is perfect and you can't be in control 100% of the time.

Self-Care

When you are in a relationship with a sick person, the focus is usually on them and their needs. This is true whether the person is suffering a chronic physical or mental illness. Your needs will often be pushed to the back burner out of necessity or circumstance.You are frequently so worried about your loved one that you forget to worry about yourself. I've been guilty of this quite often. Making sure you care for your own emotional, mental, and physical needs will reduce your stress level and exhaustion.

1. Make sure you find time for yourself. - It doesn't matter if this is going for a run, hanging out with friends, or just getting out of the house for a couple of hours.

2. Make sure you are eating well. - We all know a balanced diet improves health and energy levels but everyone needs a gentle reminder once in a while. Make sure to treat yourself to a favorite meal or food.

3. Do things that make you happy. - I'm guilty of getting small things to make my husband and kid happy but forget to do it for myself. Make sure that you spoil yourself sometimes.

If you have any similar experiences and would like to share how you coped, please comment. Any tips for self-care would be welcomed as well.

A Very Sad Day

We lost a child in our family today, she was only six years old. My husband's adopted sister, a full-blooded Lakota Sioux. She was put into foster care upon her birth, and luckily found our family. She did not have to endure being shuffled from foster home to foster home because she needed so much special care. This little girl was one of the sweetest and happiest I have ever met. Always smiling, always playful. As my daughter said, "At least she lived long enough to learn to do a somersault."*

The pathetic female that gave birth to her was a drug addict. She did so much garbage while she was pregnant, that her child was born with her insides on the outside of her body. Her first experience in this world was a surgery to save her life. Her life has been riddled with health problems, these issues have increased dramatically in the last two years. She's had tubes coming out of her body for most of her life, has frequently needed feeding tubes. Constantly getting infections. For the last year or so she has been in and out of comas; had issues with her ammonia levels jumping and her potassium levels dropping. Seizures had also come to besiege her. Recently she got an infection that moved in and attacked her liver and kidneys, basically killing them. In desperate need of a transplant, but not clear of infection and therefore ineligible. The doctors did their best for her, but her poor little body couldn't take anymore.

The fact that the thing that did this to her is still wandering this earth having never spent a day in jail, and probably still doing drugs infuriates me. This creature robbed a child of any choices or even the ability to ever be healthy. I will not refer to her as human, because anyone that can do such a thing isn't.

All this is made harder because we are 1200 miles away, and cannot be there to say goodbye or for our family. She will be remembered and loved by us always. I am glad that in her life, she knew unconditional love; and her parents and two of her siblings were able to be with her as she departed from this world.

*My daughter is very torn up over this. We just lost my grandpa in May, and less than three months later she loses an aunt that was also a playmate and friend. I know she will be fine, she knew of her aunt's bad health. She knows that her aunt isn't in pain anymore and was surrounded by family at the end. Her pain doubles my own.

Rough Night

It is after midnight and I am still up. I tried going to bed, but all I did was cry. I decided watching tv and playing around on the net were a better way to stay up all night than crying my eyes out.

While I was busy today I was fine, but just as I was going to bed I started feeling down. I feel like a complete failure tonight. I felt the weight of the fact that I have failed at the thing that was most important to me for many years, making my husband happy. Right or wrong, all I've wanted since we got together was to make him happy. I wonder if I can get emotionally healthy if I couldn't achieve the goal of making him happy. If my motivation to make him happy wasn't enough, how will I find the will to fix myself?

Yes I wanted to help him fix his emotional issues. I've always believed in the power of love to make everything ok, even when I was at my most negative. I believed in love, that if you loved someone enough everything would turn out well. That idea has now been shattered. What else do I have left? Even though I gave him my mind, body, heart and soul I couldn't succeed in making him happy. How much of my idea that love fixed everything allowed me to relax and become complacent in the relationship? I thought our love was forever, that nothing could change it.

I wanted to help him be the writer and artist that he had always dreamed of becoming, but he hasn't written or drawn anything in years. Not until he was planning on leaving, even if it was subconsciously. How did I zap his muse, his inspiration? I wanted to get him into college, so he could teach as he has said he'd like to do for the last few years. He would make a great teacher. Finances have always been tight for us, I should have found the extra $100 for his books. He would also be a great counselor or psychologist. He acts all tough, but he really is a compassionate person for the most part. (A slight intolerance of stupid people.) He is very intelligent, could achieve anything that he set his mind too. He's not ambitious or materialistic, which has made some people think he's worthless and shiftless. He should have been a beatnik poet. He was born several years after he should have been.

Right now it seems the only thing I did right was give him the child he always wanted. He got so unhappy being with me, he had to leave her behind. It feels like I don't have a family anymore. My house is empty, a void. I love my daughter, but so much of what I consider home is not here anymore. Much of his stuff is still here because he simply didn't have room for it. I need to send the rest of it to him, if for no other reason than to get rid of the reminders of him. But then our daughter is a reminder, she is so much like him, even her smile and the set of her eyes. How can I move on with all this stuff here? With feeling his presence everyday? With hearing his voice?
But at the same time I feel compelled to call or text message him. There is a giant hole in my life where he should be. For him there is no hole where I should be, only a hole where Aislinn should be. It is hard to know how insignificant you are after 12 years, how seemingly meaningless your love has been.

Rollercoaster

The title says it all, the last few weeks, but especially this week have been topsy-turvy. Exactly three weeks ago today I found out my husband was leaving me, as of tomorrow he will have been living somewhere else for a month. He went away to think because he was unhappy and a week later I found it was over, not only over but that it had really been over for about six months without me having a clue.

The first three days after I found out I stayed home in shock and pain, then I went to work and was mostly okay. The second day I stayed home I went to a counselor and psychiarist, got some medicine, which didn't really help even after it was supposed to have kicked it. The sedatives helped keep me mellow and sleep. The next Monday I was so weak I couldn't stand up and ended up in the hospital, dehydrated. I couldn't eat, apparently wasn't drinking enough either. I had been losing a little weight before this, was excited to be getting back down to my pre-pregnancy weight, but now I have lost too much. I had to get new pants yesterday, because all mine are starting to fall off. I am 5'7" and I'm down to 100.5, I'd like to get back to 105 and stay there. Though my soon to be ex would like me to gain a little more than that, he's worried about me wasting away.

This week has been the most difficult in some ways. On Monday, I wrote an email explaining my feelings and an epiphany I had. Part of me was hoping it would change things, though he had already made it clear that it was completely over for him and that he would not change his mind. The email gave me hope, his response took it away and made me realize how much responsibility I had in the end of my marriage. In some ways it is easier to "be the victim". We never fought much, have been best friends for years. He has been my closest, and for the most part, only friend for twelve years. So in this I am losing a husband and a best friend. I still love him very much.

Then the next day was Valentine's Day, though we've never celebrated it, being that it's crass and commercial. I no longer had a lover to share it with. It was such a bad day that my students were constantly asking me what was wrong. If you have teenagers, you know how bad off I must have been for them to notice. It made me feel good to know that they cared. He also informed me on Wednesday that he would be leaving to come get his stuff on Thursday.

I woke up Thursday in a great mood, so great my mother was worried about me. I told her not to question it and enjoy it while it was there. I think the mood resulted from the end of the limbo of when he would be arriving to leave forever. I was in a good mood on Friday as well. Don, the husband, arrived in Alvin at 9 am on Friday. I came home to get some stuff for school, helped him pack up a few things. Then he informs me that they maybe leaving Saturday, possibly morning. I finally get mad, he needs to spend time with A., our daughter. I return to school and ask my assistant principal to get coverage for my afternoon classes so A. can spend time with her dad before he leaves. Luckily they could find coverage. I get her early and let her see her dad and grandpa.

A. spends sometime with her Papa and we do some talking. He came partially to give me closure, only a certain amount of closure can be achieved over the phone. I think one of the things that makes this so hard is that we still get along for the most part and that he still cares about me, at least a little. He never wanted to hurt me, and tried really hard to avoid it getting to this point. I still know all his stories and his habits. I can still finish his sentences, he can still finish mine.

Yesterday was hard. I knew the final goodbye was coming. He knew the longer he stayed the worst I would get. A. had a field trip to go on and said she wanted to go, Daddy would leave before she got back. He told her he would be gone and said his goodbyes. I had my dad take her, because I knew that I'd break down and didn't want her to see it. I needed to have that final catharsis of emotion. I needed the chance to yell and cry.

Today I woke up ok, writing about it brings all the feelings of sadness and pain back and it will for a while. Sometimes I look forward to the opportunity to explore who I am and trying new things, other times the idea scares the hell out of me. I really wish that I had had the courage to to it before, because then maybe things would have turned out differently.

People keep telling me I should get angry and hate him, but why? How will that help the situation? How will that help us raise our daughter? How will it help me move on? It won't fix the relationship. Once I am past the pain and have separated myself emotionally, I hope to be friends again. I have to move past the feeling of needing him and relying on him. I have to start cooking for myself, learning how fix things on the computer, take care of our daughter by myself, clean the house. I've never been alone before, I'm afraid that Aislinn won't like my cooking. That I'll always come second to Daddy in things, but that is one of my issues, having confidence in myself.

I have arranged to go to a meetup in my area with people of similar interests. I have been invited out for coffee by someone and I will probably go. I'm not ready to start a relationship, but I need to meet people.

I had made some resolutions about three weeks before all this started, something that I don't usually do. The most important ones were to be more positive, do Yoga everyday, laugh everyday, and write everyday. I still think I need to follow through on those, though I'll have to start now. I have to learn how to live for myself instead of him, though I may have to bridge that my learning to live for my daughter. I can't let her fall behind in my search for myself.

The Day the World Shattered

Yesterday was a difficult day.

It was the day my husband and I told our daughter that we were splitting up and Daddy was moving away. To be honest, my husband told her since it is his choice. She tried everything to convince Daddy to stay, but as hard as it is for me and her, I know that in the long run it is for the best.

He implied that it was a mutual decision between us, it upset him that I didn't back him up on that, but I couldn't. I did tell her that I wanted Daddy to stay to but that Daddy needed to go to be "regular" Daddy again. I think much of my anxiety has been the double life I've been trying to lead, knowing that it is over but having to pretend it's not. Today I feel as if a great weight has been lifted and feel much calmer, not sure if it is because she now knows or if the medicine has finally started working.

The pain this is causing her is terrible and hurts me deeply. There is so much we can't explain to her because she can't possibly understand it at her age. After we got off the phone with Daddy I tried explaining why he had to leave. We had talked to her about how we, as a family, had gotten into bad habits and that we needed to change them to good habits so she wouldn't have bad habits as an adult. I told her that Mommy and Daddy wanted to change to become better people, but that we had gotten into habits with each other that made it hard or impossible for us to change in the ways we want. That for us both to become the people we wanted to be and be happy that we needed to be apart so we could develop those good habits. She said she still didn't understand, but I hope that it helped her in some way.

As for how she is, I'm not sure. We got home yesterday and she went about playing as she normally would. She seemed to have a good night sleep and is playing normally today. I don't know if she's in denial or what.

As for me, the whole time I was waiting to tell her I felt the need to be rid of my wedding ring. Now I'm not ready to take it off. My hand looks completely wrong without it, feels wrong too. I'm so confused, part of me wants to cling to my marriage, and part has accepted that it over and is ready to move on. I'm also terrified, I've never been on my own and don't really know who I am. Self discovery has always frightened me and now I have to do it. I have to start socializing. I have to get use to not having someone to say goodnight to or sleep next to.

Once Again into the Fray

I had a personal blog not that long ago. I didn't update it much and tended to do nothing but complain about politics and tell the occasional personal story. After receiving some rather shocking news, that my husband is leaving me, I deleted the whole blog in a fit of angst, anger, or a desire to shut myself off from the world (not sure really). I now regret this, I even killed my first attempt at poetry (other than the assigned stuff from school) in the process. The poem was probably a piece of crap, being a first attempt and all, but the feelings behind it were genuine and I am sad that I destroyed it and will never be able to recreate it.

This is me trying to start over in many ways. I have been told that I am a negative person, I have known it for years, but just recently have come to realize how negative I can be and how much it has affected my life. I have always considered myself a realist, I think of the worst first and feel prepared but hope for the best. However, somewhere along the way I've seemed to have forgotten how to get past the first negative. This is partly why my husband has decided to leave me. Now I'm not saying that this blog will never contain any bitching and moaning, but I'm hoping to find positive things to discuss too, or if I am ranting, to mention one positive thing from the day.

I am going through a lot right now and will probably use this as a place to deal with my issues and work through thoughts and feelings. A divorce I don't want, still having to tell our daughter that we aren't a "regular" family anymore, learning how to socialize and step out of my comfort zone, take risks, try new things, etc. Maybe some of you will want to read about my journey of self discovery, maybe you won't, it's still therapy for me.

I'm also hoping to use this as a place to brag on my daughter, talk about my favorite things, work on over coming my fear of writing.